For my raw thoughts while watching this piece of shit head on over to:
#vampsdontsparkle
What more can I possibly say about this franchise(uttering that sentence made me sad because it really is one)that hasn't really already been said? Eclipse brings nothing all that new to the table, however it does on to further ruin the already established mythologies of the vampires and werewolves a like. Well I guess it does more so for the vampires, can you really be afraid of a monster that's made of glitter? I'm also going to establish now that I really, REALLY HATE Bella Swan(Wow. Beautiful swan, I could almost taste the creativity on that one Stephanie Meyer). How can any sane person identify with this manipulative, emotionless, sociopath(more on that later)? And the men that are supposedly in love with her...it hurts too much, but only because they're fucking idiots!
Sadly, Eclipse has been the best(tread lightly with that word)of the series so far, which doesn't really say much. To paraphrase the Angry Video Game Nerd: "It's like saying the shit I took last night was better than the shit I just took a few minutes ago." Twilight at It's best is laughable garbage, It's poorly written porn for tweens.
Honestly though, Eclipse was kind of a let down. The trailer had initially made it seem as though there was going to be a huge focus on action, when that was really all of the action in the film condensed together. I'm being completely serious here, If you've seen any trailer for Eclipse then congratulations! You've just watched the entire movie! Spoil alert but the epic fight lasts for about 5 minutes at the most, and is at the end of the crap-fest! That's right, the end of the movie! So what exactly are we being strung along for against our will in the first 90 minutes(believe it or not but this movie runs for 2 hours! Yeah it baffled me too)? A really boring love-triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob obviously *rolls eyes*. It pretty much goes like this:
Edward: Marry me Bella *stares blankly into nothingness*
Edward: No, and I don't want you to be a Vampire *stares blankly into nothingness*
Jacob: You should be with me Bella, I'm better for you(someone that can actually pass for acting)
Repeat that sequence for about 90+ minutes and you've got the bulk of this film down! In-between you get moments of exposition with other characters, but they're barely on screen for more than 2 minutes so you really don't care. Oh, and the Volturi kill a young girl who recently been turned because It's against the rules or some stupid crap like that, so is creating a Vampire army apparently...but I guess the Volturi were too busy pulling their heads out of their asses to deal with that rapidly rising problem though. What's up with the Volturi anyway? For being this elite and dominant force in the Vampire world, who supposedly uphold law, and tradition to the highest degree. You'd figure that they would have more screen time, in-fact I'm sure they're in 2 scenes for a combined total of 3, maybe 4 minutes at best.
Whatever, I've gone on long enough. Eclipse sucks. It's written poorly, most of the talent is laughable, the plot literally goes no where for almost the entire film, and whatever exposition is given to us makes little, if any, to no sense at all. And this is the best of the series so far. Pathetic really, honestly I can't figure out why people like this shit.
Other Eclipse Reviews:
As I've stated in my previous review for The Last Airbender, I do these reviews because I'm inspired by others in the same craft. And I'd like you to check out what they had to say about Eclipse as well when you get the chance. These guys are awesome to watch, are highly entertaining and very talented! Thank you fellow critics!
Chester A. Bum(Nostalgia Critic)
The Cinema Snob
Spoony
No comments:
Post a Comment